For the first time in my life, I’m considering donating to the campaign of a political candidate.

And I’m not even eligible to vote for him.

The candidate is Kinky Friedman, and he’s an independent running for the office of governor in Texas. His campaign slogan is “Why the Hell Not?”

I was vaguely familiar with Friedman (I had heard his name before) until recently, when I saw him profiled on two different television programs. Born in Chicago to Jewish parents, Friedman grew up in rural Texas. He achieved notoriety in the 1970s via his country music band, the Texas Jewboys, offending and amusing fans with novelty songs like “Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed” and “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore.”

He later become an author of some acclaim, writing over 20 mystery novels. He also writes a hilarious column for Texas Monthly magazine, runs an animal rescue ranch, and produces his own line of salsas and olive oils. In 2006, he wants to be elected governor.

Below are Kinky’s stances on “the issues.”

Kinky on education

Kinky is against “teaching the test.” Texas, he says, has the eighth-largest economy in the world, but is first in the U.S. in dropout rates and 49th in education spending. He proposes legalizing casino gambling to fund education. The son of educators, he’s particularly appalled at teacher salaries in Texas, which are $6,000 below the national average. He’s calling his education plan “No Teacher Left Behind.”

“This lack of respect for the people who do our state’s most important job must stop,” he says of teacher salaries in Texas.

Kinky on immigration

Friedman’s unique proposal calls the “Six Mexican Generals” plan. In it, six Mexican generals would be promised $1 million each to prevent illegal immigrant crossings, which would be reduced by $5,000 each time someone crosses into Texas illegally. If that doesn’t work, he said he would just build a huge wall on the Texas side of the Rio Grande.

Kinky on the environment

He’s a fan of biodiesel.

“It’s good enough for Willie Nelson’s tour bus, and the city of Denton (Texas) is using it to fuel their entire fleet of diesel trucks. Biodiesel is fuel you can grow. That’s good for farmers, good for the air, good for the Texas energy industry, and good for Texas. With biodiesel, everybody wins but OPEC.”

Kinky on political correctness

He vows to abolish it.

He said he’s on an “anti-wussification” campaign. His explanation: “Make it Okay to say ‘Merry Christmas.’ Make it okay to smoke where you want to.

Bring back the Ten Commandments. I want to bring them back to the public schools. They were taken out not because of church and state, but because of political correctness. Some atheist came up and said he didn’t like the Ten Commandments. We all know what happens when an atheist dies. His tombstone reads, ‘All dressed up and no place to go.’ By the way, I’ve written my own epitaph, which is: ‘If you can read this, you’re standing on my head.’”

Kinky on the Internet

“I don’t use the Internet. I think it’s the work of Satan,” he said in a recent speech. “But please visit www.kinkyfriedman.com.”

Kinky on politics

“Politics, folks, is the only field where the more experience you have, the worse you get. The governor of Texas, as you know, does not have his finger on the nuclear button. He’s more like a judge in a chili cook-off. What the politicians are missing is a sense of humor, a sense of reality, and common sense.”

After reviewing his Web site and campaign literature, I’ve decided I’ll contribute to his campaign by purchasing an official Kinky Friedman action figure. When you poke it, it says in a Texas drawl: “I’m gonna de-wussify Texas if I gotta do it one wuss at a time.”

Please, Texas, vote for Kinky. Why the hell not?



• Len Robbins is thhe editor/publisher of The Clinch County News.