“Is it possible to really love someone, but not trust them?” Absolutely…in relationships, we often confuse love with trust…but the reality is that you can love someone deeply and not trust them at the very same time. Love is a free gift that you give someone, even if they don’t deserve it. Trust is earned…it must be built, and often in relationships it gets damaged or completely broken and must be rebuilt for the relationship to survive.

Authors and Christian psychologists Cloud and Townsend explain, “Trust is the ability to be totally real, authentic, and unguarded with (another). It means being able to bring all parts of yourself, good and bad, strong and weak, without fear or condemnation or judgment.” This is a deep level of relationship to attain, and most of are painfully aware that taking the risk to trust someone at some point in our life has cost us plenty. This causes us to raise our guard and keep it high so that we don’t risk experiencing that kind of pain again. In fact, that is usually our first response when trust takes a hit: we promise ourselves we will not ever let that happen again….

Trust can be broken in many ways: saying one thing and doing another, white lies, financial betrayal, broken promises, unfulfilled commitments, sexual unfaithfulness at any level and being inconsistent as a person. When we cannot trust someone, we no longer know who they are…we lose the ability to depend on them to be there for us, whether in one area or many. Even worse, when the betrayal comes from someone close, from one we have exposed private knowledge of ourselves to, that betrayal causes deep wounds.

Trust issues cannot be ignored for the sake of “keeping peace.” Rebuilding trust is hard work and it means taking a risk, but if both sides are willing, it is worth the effort. Here are a few steps to help repair the damage:

. Face the reality about what caused the broken trust. If you are the source of the problem, admit your fault. You cannot heal or repair that which is kept hidden or denied. If you have been betrayed, admit your feelings to the other person. Confirm your love for them, but express your need for this to be addressed.

. Take a broken trust seriously. Trying to brush it off as unimportant only serves to deepen the wound… a person with a broken heart cannot be convinced it is no big deal any more that one with a broken neck.

. Let the one you love know how much you regret what you did. In the healing process the one who was betrayed will need to be reassured of the other person’s commitment to them. Give that reassurance, not defensive retaliation (“How many times are you going to bring that up?”). Especially in marriage, the “offender” may need to make himself or herself accountable to the other person in order to rebuild that which has been broken.

. Give the process time…as you take action to change. The Bible says in Luke 17:3, “If your brother (husband, friend, etc) sins, rebuke (confront) him, and if he repents, forgive him.” The word repents here means to take action to change…not simply saying I’m sorry and expecting the other person move on as if nothing happened.

Trust is a vital element in our relationships…when it is broken, it’s as if the foundation of your home is cracked…it must be repaired, or it will no longer be a desirable place to live. The relationships in your life a worth doing the hard work to build and rebuild trust…they are deeply attached to our hearts…and our hearts really do matter!

Blessings, Angie

We would love to hear from you…contact us with questions or comments at angieland3@windstream.net

Heart Matters is a weekly column written by Angie Land, Director of the Family Life Ministries of the Lafayette Baptist Association, where she teaches bible studies, leads marriage and family conferences and offers biblical counseling to individuals, couples and families.