Alvin Richardson

On a gloomy, foreboding late evening last week I was whacking away at tall grass that abounds near our home, which is incidentally located on the edge of a beautiful forest. 

Those weeds had experienced a growth spurt due because current climatic conditions have made it look more akin to a rain forest.  Little did I know, that as night approached I was wading into something far more sinister than simple thistle, dandelion, and nutsedge.  No, those common weeds were the least of my problems.  Unbeknownst to me I was under invasion by the dreaded trombiculidae, better known as the common chigger.

While I was using the last minutes before nightfall to finish cutting a patch of wild rain forest growth those tiny six-legged parasitic larvae were creeping up my britches leg and attaching themselves to my tender skin — a sneak attack on par with Pearl Harbor if there was one. By the next day I was well aware that something was drastically wrong with me.  I had red welts all over my lower and upper legs as well as several points north of that region.

And the itching.

My problem reminded of what the great Mickey Mantle said in a commercial where he was promoting athlete’s foot powder years ago and famously noted “And man does it itch!”

But this was not athlete’s foot.

I actually thought I had the measles or some other dreaded disease and so logically I put off going to the doctor.  He’d surely tell me I was going to swell up and keel over, and I didn’t want to hear that.  Eventually, however, I was forced to go and the diagnosis was not long coming.  With a laugh Doc noted that I’d been assailed by chiggers and told me that they are most likely to be found in tall weeds that were close to the edge of a forest and asked if I’d been in any places like that.  I glumly noted that I live and work at ground zero of chigger land.

So I got some cream to rub on the spots along with a cortisone shot in the gluteus maximus that stung like the dickens and was told that I might well live through the ordeal.

After my doctor visit I also did some research on the internet to see if there was anything more to learn about chiggers that might help relieve the itching, which was driving me up the wall.  I spotted an article that noted nail polish will seal the bite off from air and thus help relieve itching.  They were correct.  Scientific data says nail polish doesn’t help chigger bites, but the science boys missed the mark on that one. 

It is noteworthy, however, to advise those that have similar problems not to use the nail polish on areas north of your upper thigh.  There are unintended consequences to that strategy, and I’ll just leave it at that.  Incidentally, if you run into me over the next few days just ignore the fact that I smell like I just came out of Twinkle Toes Nail Salon — it’s kind of embarrassing.

As I continued my quest for knowledge I learned that chiggers use their tiny mouths to drill holes into our skin and they secrete salivary enzymes that break down our skin cells resulting in those red welts.  I wish I had not discovered that fact.  I’ve spent the last few days scrubbing my body in order to wash that saliva and those enzymes completely away.     

Further research yielded even more interesting information.  Chiggers have six legs and are also known as harvest mites.  They are known to harvest on a number of animals such as dogs, cats, rabbits, and of course, human butt skin.  All I can tell you for sure is that they harvested a goodly portion of leg and the previously mentioned butt skin from me.

So, with the welts fading, I’m now faced with an interesting dilemma.  Do I want to continue to hack away at the tall weeds on the edge of a forest where chiggers are known to flourish or should I simply let it grow out of control? Should I stride bravely into the land of the six-legged harvest mite covered with anti-chigger spray, ignoring the fact that the fearsome trombiculidae roams close by just waiting for an opportunity to shinny up my britches leg and salivate his enzymes on my unsuspecting body? Maybe I should just wait until winter when those dangers are minimized. One thing is certain: I’ll never be able to venture into the tall weeds on the edge of my beautiful forest without thinking about what may be chomping on my legs and butt skin. 

Whatever the decision turns out to be I just hope I don’t smell like nail polish again anytime in the immediate future.

Email your thoughts on major chigger decisions to dar8589@bellsouth.net.

Note: For those who have been following the story of Matilda the Muscovy duck I can report that there has been a fearsome snake battle but Matilda, her 13 eggs and her No. 3 washtub nest are all intact. Details of that battle and further episodes of this “Wild Kingdom” saga will be forthcoming.