Len Robbins

On certain occasions — like when I drink four Cherry Cokes after 9 p.m. — I can’t seem to go to sleep.

I am not alone.

According to Penthouse magazine, 5 out of 3 American citizens have trouble sleeping.

What they suffer from is insomnia — a prolonged and abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep. The medical community has a name for those who suffer from this ailment — sleepy people.

I am not one of the sleepy people, but I feel their weariness. There are many a morning when I wake up groggy, not having received the minimal amount of sleep. I’m just no good all day if I don’t get my 12 hours a night.

But, once again, I am here to help. As a public service, I have done extensive research on the plight of sleepy people, and have come up with a number of ways to assist them in their search for dreamland.

Showing my devotion to you, the sleepy reader, I personally attempted each of these snooze-induction tactics, putting the needs of you, the sleepy reader, ahead of my own personal safety.

Below sleepy readers will find some supposed insomnia-curing remedies, with my own personal grade on how effective they were. Note: I didn’t try hooking myself up to a machine (which many people swear by) because I’m absurdly claustrophobic.

You’re welcome in advance.

The Sleepy Sounds alarm clock: My mother swears by this alarm clock/radio thingy that plays soothing, sleep-inducing sounds at bedtime.

Among the sounds are waves crashing on the beach, wind rustling through the trees, a light thunderstorm, a heavy rain shower, Bobcat Goldthwait doing an oral interpretation of “My Cousin Vinny,” and a play-by-play announcer calling action from a 0-0 soccer match.

My grade: A. Put me to sleep right away. Didn’t even get to hear Bobcat’s dead-on impersonation of Marisa Tomei.

Counting sheep: I’ve tried this a couple of times, and it works for me. All I do is count to 10 and I’m gone (Warning: May not work for residents of Alabama).

My grade: A.

NyQuil: According to the bottle, an adult is supposed to take one teaspoon and it’s snooze city.

Thus, I took half a teaspoon and didn’t go to sleep right away. Being the patient type, I waited a couple of minutes and took two more gulps. To my surprise, I wasn’t asleep, but rather found myself wandering around the house talking aloud about pancakes.

Not nearly asleep and now wearing a Santa Claus hat, I figured I just needed a heavier dosage and took three more swigs. This led to me singing TV theme songs while playing bongos in my yard. After the police came, I still wasn’t asleep.

So I decided to order a pizza and drank the rest of the bottle.

I went to sleep alright. And woke up the next day in the laundry room with no shirt on, an empty bag of Doritos on my chest, crumbs all in my hair, a javelin under my arm, and still clutching the empty bottle of NyQuil in my hand.

My grade: A+.

Think about politics: This is my personal get-to-sleep method.

I just start thinking about political things I have forgotten from Mr. Shirk’s class in middle school, like trying to recall presidential campaign slogans. For instance, I remember “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” “Me Loves Millard,” “Chester A. Arthur or Bust,” “I Like Ike,” and by the time I get to “Obama: He’s Changelicious!,” I’m snoring like mad.

My grade: A+ (Gets a + because I made it up.)

So, sleepy people, rejoice! As is my custom, I have given you four sure-fire methods to relieve your fatigue and have fruitful, rested lives.

Happy Sleeping!

© Len Robbins 2024