Amid the high school spring practices and NFL rookie camps, one local football league has risen up to take the has-been, could-have-been, and should-have-been football stars and placed them back on the gridiron.

For flag football.

Pads are replaced by flags, helmets replaced by sweat bands, and cleats replaced by New Balance tennis shoes.

So, the athletic bunch at The Times teamed up with other local scrubs to enter into the world of sissy-pants no-touch football. To relive the glory years of our youth, we joined the league and our confidence was re-established for the first time since becoming writers.

We went around, gathered up the $300 needed, and knew our money would be well spent. We came to find out the field we are playing on is covered with bigger rocks than Stonehenge.

But, oh, the dominance we figured we would have over other not-so-knowledgable teams. We have a plethora of useless sports information that is bound to help us win.

Three losses later, we have begun to rethink our strategies.

Yours truly has been at the helm, playing quarterback in an option offense with two running backs who have never played football before. At left running back and cornerback is 120-pound Luke “Blankenstein” Blanks and on the right is former Lowndes junior varsity basketball stud Wes Phillips.

My receiver combo rivals that of the Colts (maybe), but the only problem is that we can never get them the ball. Former VSU cornerback Sandy “Moon” Turner and former Coast Guard Academy wideout James Farrow, the husband of Valdosta Daily Times staff photographer Tiffany Farrow, lead the squad.

Between the other wideout and the center position, we rotate the whole sports staff of Christian Malone, Bryan Fazio, Casey Tanner, and Polo-for-life employee Bobby “Knuckles” Schueler. We also picked up Marcus Pace in his off-day from Wild Adventures.

In order to be a real team, we needed a team name and jerseys. After much debate at the local pub, we decided on becoming the St. Anky’s, named after a fictional beer company.

After the season opener was delayed for two weeks, we were all anxious to play. The first game came was on May 7, or as it is known to the rest of the team, “Monsoon Day.”

I believed that playing in a torrential downpour was a much better idea than waiting another week. Twelve minutes into the game, the Criminoles had us beat 20-0, and my idea was washed away with the weather. The rest of the game was postponed until this past Sunday.

The next week, we battled with Team Dynasty until the very last seconds. Even one man down, they still managed to beat us 14-7. Oh, the humiliation.

This past Sunday, we faced off with the Franchise Boys. We were ready, pumped, psyched. We were going to win. Final score: Franchise Boys 31, St. Anky’s 0.

After the complete floor-wiping we took from the Franchise Boys, we had to finish our game with the Criminoles, who have four former Valdosta High standouts playing for them. We resumed play trailing 20-0, and four minutes into the second half, it was Criminoles 33, St. Anks (as it says on the schedule) 0.

Now we sit at the bottom of the standings as the perennial bottom dwellers. At 0-3, the St. Anky’s have been outscored 78-7. The only touchdown was scored by Phillips, with the extra point by “Romper Stomper” (me).

There are only two weeks left before the playoffs. This week, the Unforgettables come to town, and in the last week of the season we have our rematch with Team Dynasty.

This week, there will be some changes made. The offensive coordinator has been fired, the general manager has been fired, and the water boy fired. Hey, we were thirsty last week.

So for now, four out of five teams in the Valdosta Flag Football League will enjoy their well-spent money, while one team, the St. Anky’s, enjoys being the worst team to ever set foot on a flag football field.

The St. Anky’s play every Sunday at Valdosta High School and can be seen for a minimal price (free), about the same amount as it costs to see the bearded lady at the circus.