Len Robbins

Reading is the gateway to knowledgitity.

I try to read whenever I can – while I’m at home, while I’m at work, while I’m eating, while I’m sleeping, while I’m showering, and I used to particularly enjoy reading while driving.

Unfortunately, I am now no longer legally allowed to read a newspaper or novel while driving a vehicle. Thanks, Obamacare.

But there is nothing in our draconian laws that prevents me from reading bumper stickers while driving, to my knowledge, which is now rather meager since I can’t read dictionaries while driving. So take that declaration for what it’s worth (nothing).

From my reading, I’ve found that bumper stickers fall into three categories: Stupid, funny, or stupider. Recently, one of my institutionalized readers forwarded a list of interesting and/or insipid bumper stickers for my enjoyment. I have added some that I have seen while reading and driving.

Enjoy (or don’t):

• “I Was An Honor Student. I Don’t Know What Happened.”

• “Watch Out For the Idiot Behind Me.”

• “If You Drink, Don’t Park. Accidents Cause People.”

• “If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.”

• “If You Can Read This, I’m Not Surprised. Most People Can Read.”

• “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else.”

• “There’s a Gator in this Ford!” (as seen on a late-model Chevy.)

• “ Jesus Loves You. But Everyone Else Thinks You’re A Jerk.”

• “If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.”

• “If You Object To Logging, Try Using Plastic Toilet Paper.”

• “It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.”

• “I Have The Body Of A God – Buddha.”

• “Be Nice to Americans Or We’ll Bring Democracy to your Country.”

• “If We Quit Voting, Will They Go Away?”

• “Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway.”

• “Illiterate? Honk Your Horn.”

• “Cover Me – I’m Changing Lanes.”

• “He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.”

• “My Baby Daddy Was Inmate of the Month!”

• “I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.”

• “You! Out of the Gene Pool!”

• “Honk If Anything Falls Off.”

• “Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed for 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.”

• “Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge.” (Why would this be on a bumper sticker?)

• “If Walking Is So Good For You, Why Is My Mailman Fat?”

• “Boldly Going Nowhere.”

• “Caution: Driver Legally Blonde.”

• “My Other Car Is Also A Piece Of Crap.”

• “How Many Roads Must Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?”

• “Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.”

• “My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.”

• “I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?”

• “Be Nice To Your Kids – They’ll Choose Your Nursing Home.”

Maybe I need to get one that says: “Not Drunk. Just Reading Bumper Stickers.”

© Len Robbins 2024