For a democratic country, we’re certainly fascinated with the concept of a czar.

Within our elected government, we’ve had appointed drug czars, terrorism czars, etc. Now, there’s talk of a “car czar,” which seems to be mentioned more for lightening the mood rather than as a serious consideration.

Car Czar sounds like a Pokemon character. Car Czar sounds like a magician with a traveling circus — Ladies and gentlemen, the Amazing Car Czar! Car Czar sounds like some distant jungle-man cousin of Tarzan — Me, Car Czar; you, Jane.

Then amidst the dismal news of the auto industry, you have all of these pundits speaking seriously, earnestly, or pompously, and suddenly they are using the term “car czar.”

It doesn’t make the issues any less serious but it adds a moment of levity to the discussion, hearing these serious folks saying Car Czar. You expect them to maybe make that proclamation: Ladies and gentlemen, the Amazing Car Czar!

Of course, amazing is what we expect from these appointed czars. We expect them to be able to do what none of our elected constitutional officers can do. We expect them to work wonders. Presto! Change-o! No more drugs! No more terrorism! We’ve seen how well that’s worked in the past.

And what would be a Car Czar’s amazing powers? Presto! Change-o! No more cars!? Presto! Change-o! No more car problems!?

Still, as much fun as saying and hearing Car Czar might be, it could be even better. Given the economy, we could some day have a business czar, which shortened, of course, would be the Biz Czar. Imagine: Business is in trouble and it can only be helped by the Biz Czar. Wouldn’t that be bizarre?

In the past, during the era of the Cold War, we could have had a Commie Czar, which would have been strange considering that czar was the monarchical leader of Russia prior to the communist-fueled Bolshevik Revolution, which is another reason that it is so odd for a democratic country to be so fascinated with the concept of a czar. Czar by the way is a form of Caesar, a name that became synonymous with emperor king. Still, if we had had a Commie Czar, we could have adapted that old 1980s song to sing, “Don’t turn around, uh-oh, the Commie Czar’s in town, uh-oh …”

And, of course, if there are one too many czars, we could have a Czar Czar, which sounds like another Gabor sister: Eva Gabor, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Czar Czar Gabor.

But I digress. A Czar Czar’s duties would be to rid us of all the other czars, which, if the Czar Czar is as effective as the other czars in his duties, means we should have plenty of czars for years to come.



Dean Poling is The Valdosta Daily Times assistant managing editor.