Recently I was privy to a conversation in which my partner’s friend — an austere, serious German girl — said she didn’t expect him to be dating someone like me, because I am “just so … sunshiny.”

Obviously, I was offended by this. So, I did what anyone would do in that situation — I fumed. My knee-jerk reaction was, “I am not sunshiny. I am a strong, intelligent, feminist woman and I deserve to be taken seriously.” I went to the gym in my all-pink matching set and lifted my anger out. 

But that night, when I went to journal out my feelings, I started asking myself why. Why was I so upset by a single adjective? What about “sunshiny” was so insulting to me? Then I remembered a lesson taught by a classmate of mine on empathy. At our best, we practice empathy, imagining ourselves in the lives and circumstances of others. It took me a lot of rage, sore muscles and three handwritten pages to realize the source of my anger — internalized misogyny.

In our society, there is an unspoken synonymization of “femininity” and “weakness.” Women have been socialized to hide aspects of their femininity in order to engage in a career that is typically dominated by men. In this way, women are taught that their traditionally feminine traits are weaknesses when trying to achieve their career goals, and subsequently choose to suppress that side of themselves.

In “The Will to Change,” writer bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express their emotions and that they are a fundamental part of who they are – whatever their age, marital status, ethnicity or sexual orientation. 

She believes for example instead of accepting this violence, anger and rage at females expressed in this music called Gangster Rap, we can help men can find the way to spiritual unity by getting back in touch with the emotionally open part of themselves. We need media messages, commercials and TV shows that portray men as responsible, competent and caring husbands, sons and fathers, instead of idiots and/or misogynists so we wont run into the “Masculinity Crisis.”

Femininity is not a weakness. Strength is too often grouped with masculinity but I believe that true strength is resilience. True strength is vulnerability. Neither of those things are masculine or feminine. Both are human and, frankly, both are hard.

I find incredible strength in my feminine traits. In fact, they’re some of the things that I like most about myself. I’m even proud of how sunshiny I am. I encourage women and men everywhere to embrace the feminine side of themselves. Your femininity is strong. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

 

Raven Love resides in Valdosta.